Tuesday, May 31, 2011

the gardener


well, this was a little bit of a tragedy.  at least i treated it as such.  william referred to my demeanor when i burst inside to tell him about it as "slightly homicidal."  and it's an interesting thing with a garden, really.  i was pretty shaken up after worrying about/reading up on all the invaders that will almost certainly come and ruin everything and then finding one inside the vine of my first officially dead squash plant.  i was freaked out and angry and worked up and felt a surge of both hopeless vulnerability and cutthroat determination to save the rest of my babies.  while reading pages upon pages of gardeners' testimonials i came across several mentions of feeling sick over the bugs, often at the sheer numbers of them.  and with my one little squash borer, which i did drop into a bucket of soapy water like several of the garden warriors said to do, i felt sick too.  perhaps because i have a rather undesirable habit of dwelling on how many terrible ways there are to die, or perhaps because in a very small way it was putting me in much closer touch with my food chain.  i guess it's the natural way of all living things: if you want to eat you have to work for it.  and sometimes you have to kill bugs.   

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

the silence as well as the song

last year for mother's day my mom asked each of us kids to tell her something we appreciate about her.  and it was an awesome thing to do, 'cause i have all sorts of amazing things to tell my mother, and if she hadn't of asked, well, maybe i wouldn't have remembered to say them.  it was my birthday earlier this month, and she decided to do the same for me.  i'm so glad she did.  she said things that i felt really good hearing.  one of those things was how i am willing to really put myself out there and be terribly honest and open about what i go through and what i learn in the process.  she said that allows other people to do the same.  and i really appreciate that, especially now that i'm actually trying to treat myself as a Professional Musician, and even more frighteningly trying to convince the world that's what i am too!  ;)  and it makes it hard, all the pressure to always put your best foot forward and always have your game face on.  i don't want to be part of the intimidating face of "the music business" and all it's competition that i feel uncomfortably face to face with so often.  i want to remember that i am a unique person with a unique musical journey.  everyone else is, too.  we all come from different places; we all sing from different hearts.  it is my goal to believe that people want to know me, during the silence as well as the song.