Saturday, November 19, 2011

i have a song

how did i come to believe that enjoying the spotlight means being self-indulgent?  or that asking for people to listen means both that they didn’t actually want to hear me in the first place and that it’s totally out of the natural flow?  i know people say a lot that they want things but they don’t want to have to ask for them.  i feel that, too, more than i’d like to admit.  because if I ask for something then the pressure is on me to make it turn out well, whereas if it is simply given then i don’t have to be responsible for the results.  what a way to go through life, taking as little responsibility for it as i can! be discovered, to be lifted, to be convinced that i am seen and heard and appreciated.  because then it’s not me telling the world i’m worth hearing, ‘cause if i tell the world i’m worth hearing then i’m telling the world that i’m good, and humble people don’t tell the world that, and good people don’t have to.  i’m terrified of exuding the characteristics that i don’t care for in others, or worse yet becoming them!  (because of course no one is actually jealous of anyone they “don’t like”..... :)  
somewhere, somehow i know it is possible, and so, so desirable for asking to be heard to be nothing more than acknowledging that i have a song, and, well, songs are meant to be heard.