Good things take time, a lot of them. Not every good-thing-in-the-making gives us a feeling of instant and uplifting gratification. The darkest hour is right before the dawn... there are a lot of words arranged to convey these kinds of sentiments.
I had a “what if” thought the other night. What if I’m already doing all the right things? What if I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing? I haven’t quite figured out yet how to keep my sights on how far I’ve come, rather than only on how far there is left. “How far I’ve come” somehow gets smooshed up into a tiny little space when I look back, while “how far I have left to go” stretches out forever, ominous and intimidating, far beyond the horizons I can see.
When you’ve written down directions to get somewhere, but you’ve forgotten, or didn’t think it was important, to write down the distances between turns, how far do you go sometimes before turning around because you assume you’re going the wrong way?
It’s always been hard for me to plan. It’s been hard for me to invest in things that will take 6 months, or a year, or several years. Up until my early 20’s (and somewhat onwards from there...) I was the queen of the 3 month relationship. I’m not sure exactly what happened at that point, but the life force of The New exhaled its last breath and I needed the next fix.
Maybe “fickle female” got to my head. It was like I didn’t have enough trust in myself to make good decisions about what to invest my time and energy in. Like the Big Bad Wolf (or Bratty Little Sister....what names do you have for That Part of You?) would have long jumped ship by the time we got there and resent the heck out of me for locking us up in that decision for so long (and I do NOT want to deal with that wrath!). Like there were two of me: one to make promises and the other one sure to break them sooner or later.
We are constantly heading in one direction or another and there is no possible promise of security, or success, or happiness, or anything else for that matter, despite how much we do to achieve it. Do your best to point yourself somewhere good. Do it every day.
Then for God’s sake let off the brakes and enjoy the journey.