Let That Songbird Go...

Getting Back on Track (When You Can)

2012-02-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes you can’t change what’s out there, though really i’m not sure where i stand on the matter, because if we are to declare ourselves all powerful and the manifest-ers of our destiny then shouldn’t we be able to change everything?? of course not, but where is the line? this i can’t answer.

this was a really, truly, uncharacteristically busy week for me. or wait.... busy two weeks? hmmmm, can’t remember. it’s been busy :) i generally don’t like being busy (though i do like being honest ;), because i have a hard time committing to anything when there is a limited amount of time. it’s the old Panic and Paralysis. nothing feels like top priority, except for the obvious top priority, but tackling that will take up all the time and you probably won’t get done anyway and will have nothing to show for it.

i have realized, with a little help from my sweetie asking what it is that’s really “wrong” and what it is that really needs to be done so badly right this minute, that a lot of the pressure i feel is very much put on myself. i have put systems and schedules in place for myself (such as updating my websites every sunday....it’s now wednesday afternoon ;) and i can’t let myself fall behind without the Big Bad Wolf getting all up in my face.

the Things aren’t going to go away, but you very much have control over how you see and relate to them. there are enough deadlines we’ve agreed to from the outside world, be willing to cut yourself a little slack on the ones you’ve put on yourself! (not too much slack, mind you....just enough to maintain somewhat of a healthy equilibrium :)

keep making lists; keep prioritizing. get back on track when you can, and take what you’ve learned to help you stay on track next time. (there will always be a next time, at least when it comes to deadlines! :)

Do Something Easy

2012-02-13T18:53:00.000-08:00

i know i have nothing new to say on this subject, but i don’t think it has to be new. the most subtle reminders can come to you at just the right time and your world can change.

most people have a lot of things to do. we just do. it’s been a long time since i was genuinely “bored” or had “nothing to do.” perhaps that’s a part of Growing Up, switching from too much time on one’s hands to not enough! a lot of the time it’s not enough for work or for play.

the muscle i have begun to focus on strengthening for myself is that when i’ve got an overwhelming list of things to do (written or not, but for me written already tends to ease my mind!) i start with something small. and we often skip the small things because they’re not as important as the big ones and therefore shouldn’t take priority, but really.....if you’re stuck, you’re stuck. do something easy!

a little bit of momentum can go a long way! it’s getting something done when you feel like you’re getting nothing done. it’s encouraging, and affirms that you are indeed a person who does what they need to do! (i often have a hard time convincing myself of that, so i can use all the help i can get! ;)

A New Perspective

2012-02-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

i recently got a new camera, after having a great one for a while and then trying to replace the great one (since three years made it SO obsolete they stopped making it) with a super duper piece of crap camera that i had dreams of throwing from tall buildings or smashing to bits with heavy blunt objects. christmas was good to me, and i am now properly equipped with a fast-action-make-everything-look-like-a-million-bucks lens through which to see the world.

i once wrote an email to my good friend, danny schmidt, declaring excitedly that i had finally discovered my life’s purpose. it was around the time that i decided right before going on stage that i really didn’t enjoy performing....like, at all. i didn’t like the jitters before playing, i usually felt nervous and clumsy when i was up there, and i didn’t like the part afterwards when i couldn’t talk to anyone without feeling like i was putting them on the spot to tell me it was a great show, and then questioning the truth of the statement and trying like to hell to learn how to take a compliment.

i wrote danny to tell him that i wanted to be a photographer, or more so, that i finally realized that’s what i was. photography is so innocent and so pure. photography has naught to do with ego; how could it? it’s being a witness to life’s miracles, big and small. nothing more and nothing less, except knowing when you see one and when to click a button. you’re not creating anything, only sharing. that was a tremendous relief to me at the time. it still is.

as dramatic a moment as that was, really i was just feeling shy and scared and uncertain and noticed a whole new bright light that captivated me. and now instead of leaving the old light behind i’ve learned to see music in much the same way. we’re really a witness to everything, even ourselves.

a new camera feels like a new skin. my eyes and my heart are more open. they see things in a different light. and they’re seeing that everything is a miracle, really. everything is amazing.

Seven Other Things to Call a Breakdown

2012-01-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

this is a little more “article-y” than i usually write, but it’s still just something i’ve been thinking about :)

so, breakdowns! they totally happen. we all know. and some of us know that they can be totally healthy and helpful if we know how to look at them. instead of seeing them as some sort of failure, or sure proof of our weakness, here are some of my favorite alternatives!

1. BREAKTHROUGHS!

instead of visualizing a DOWN-ward movement, how about a THROUGH movement? you were pushed up against a wall, of stress or old beliefs or whatever else we think the wall is actually made of, and you broke through it. and it was hard, and scary, and you got a little bruised and shaken up in the process, but that’s par for the course, right? :)

2. RELEASES!

you were building up steam inside, and in order to maintain your amazing creativity and purpose and hard work, you just had to let some out.

3. RE-EVALUATIONS!

is something really not working? is it serious? does something need to change? what would you like to be different and what can you do about it? “breakdowns” are a great time to check in, and make changes accordingly.

4. CLEANING THE SLATE!

really, just wash it away! i don’t know if everybody is a cryer, but man oh man it helps me! i just visualize whatever it is being washed from my mind, body and spirit. the good stuff is always there “underneath,” and a good cry is like a shower for your heart (or a bubbly candlelit bath :).

5. REST PERIODS!

resting is important, and sometimes when we don’t do it voluntarily, our body makes us do it involuntarily! anyone who’s gotten sick from working too hard knows that. a breakdown is sometimes just our unconditionally loving higher self saying “slow down! you need a minute to catch your breath (and just trust me, would you already??)”

6. RISING ABOVE!

whatever it was, and however bad it was (we all know how bad it can be! i swear!) you broke through the ceiling and now that ceiling has become the ground beneath your feet. i like what Christine Kane calls it: Upleveling. because really you can’t ever regress, or backtrack, or fall. you can stand still, but any movement is a movement forward, and “up!”

7. SHEDDING SKIN!

there it went! we determined (voluntarily or not! :) that our load needed to be lightened, so we lightened it. we were holding onto something that wasn’t working for us anymore, so we let it go. brand new skin, rising to the surface, to shine and be beautiful!

sad songs happen, too

2012-01-22T16:07:00.000-08:00

i’ve always enjoyed ‘roses are red’ poems, in my later years especially. they can pretty much say anything that you need them to say, in a stripped down simple way, like a framed photograph. the very fact that it’s in a frame makes the morsel in it that much more wise and special.

i have a very special relationship with sad songs, because they are a true joy to write. the sadder the song, the more satisfying the victory. and it is a victory. you have taken something destructive and difficult and turned it into something beautiful, something creative, something forward moving. you’ve created breath, or, more so, simply allowed the space for it.

sometimes i wonder if the only true sadness comes from creating nothing. life is creation; breath is creation. the very act of creating is nourishing to us, regardless of what we are making.

it’s trust, it’s surrender to the incredible force that runs through us. it’s believing that things can change, that things are change (some just go slower than others! :) it’s taking a chance that you can make something worth having in the world, something that someone, somewhere will find some good in (even if it’s just you :)

will found some bumper sticker paper in a box the other day and i am quite joyful to anticipate making one that says:

sad songs happen, too.

and i’m so, so glad they do.

Thomas Rucker

2012-01-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

on a twenty minute commute from work there is only one gas station that’s easy to get to. i work in a neighborhood that is predominantly black and i enjoy stopping at this one because i’m usually wearing something tye dye under overalls and covered in paint, and i like the interactions i experience. i’m often called sweetie, and once held the door open for a man coming out who practically scolded me to “get on in here” with an assertive wave of his hand.

it was about a month ago that i was approached by a young man asking for change. sixty cents, to be exact. he said he needed it to buy pencils. “oh now i’ve heard it all,” i thought. i didn’t in a million years believe him, but he was polite, and sixty cents--no big deal.

the next week i was approached by the man again, and as i was getting sixty cents out of my wallet i commented, with a hint of “oh really...” that it was the same amount he asked me for last week....for pencils. he remembered, and said he had gotten those pencils. he described them somewhat awkwardly to me, saying he preferred the mechanical ones for his art. i asked him about his art, and am forever grateful that i did.

he said it wasn’t on him but it was around the corner. i said i’d love to see it, and said i would wait. he came back with a collection of drawings unlike anything i’d ever seen. they were truly remarkable works of art. the way he described his methods, and seeing how he had gotten from beginning to end, was utterly fascinating. he was so humble that i was having a hard time believing what i was seeing.

i don’t know Thomas Rucker that well yet. i stopped by on christmas eve to ask if i could buy a print from him and was grateful that he agreed. he signed it and everything.

everyone has a story. everyone is someone, deeper than circumstance, deeper than the hands they’ve been dealt, and the hands that they hold. it’s a lesson i’m glad to learn over and over again, until i wonder, with awe and respect, who everybody is.

who are you?

there is no other life

2012-01-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

we were talking about the new year last night, as people do on new year’s eve and we both acknowledged and agreed fully that it’s just another day. every day is, though every day a new beginning; every moment a new beginning.

what i continue to learn is that no matter what transformations i go through, no matter how difficult a thing i conquer, no matter how deeply i learn to love and let go, here i am. i still see with the same eyes, hear with the same ears, speak with the same voice. my hands don’t change, my face doesn’t change. not until i look back, over a lifetime of infinite moments and intangible evolution.

i am a flower in bloom, and as petals grow forth from the center they eventually reach the outer rim, and fall silently to the ground. new ones push forward, through heartache and joy, through certainty and doubt, through winter and spring, through breath and through song.

we live here and we live now. there is no other life.

2011-12-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

can life really sometimes be best described by a list of the things around you? eggnog coffee in my favorite mug, kristin allen-zito's "the atlas"serenading the now empty house, the soft hum of the heater when i should really just put socks on. my upper body is as sore as it's ever been (except the time i was certain i had a broken rib it hurt so bad) from painting a whole house the last few days with a brush instead of my favorite roller (boss's wishes :) my mama is on her way to austin as we speak, to embark on a road trip to atlanta, GA where we will learn to be empowered and shape our businesses just the way we want. but before that happens i need to cut a hole in the wall to hopefully find and fix the leak in the bedroom window frame. someone's gonna have to do it, so why not me?

i've been wondering lately when i might actually start to feel like an adult. i know that word can have some negative connotations to it (ha! :) but i mean it in the sense that i will no longer feel like i'm 29 going on fourteen. fourteen was awkward, and frustrating, and i was anxious to grow up because i thought i'd grow out of it. ha ha ha....ha.. ha ha......right. so here i am, training myself to see ME a little differently, because really, i am what i see myself as. (so THAT'S what the whole "i think, therefore i am" thing really means!)

make everything brand new. it's hard but possible. and as long as something is changing, you're going forward. don't worry about how small the steps might be. just steer the ship.

i'm off to cut that hole in the wall now.

i have a song

2011-11-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

how did i come to believe that enjoying the spotlight means being self-indulgent? or that asking for people to listen means both that they didn’t actually want to hear me in the first place and that it’s totally out of the natural flow? i know people say a lot that they want things but they don’t want to have to ask for them. i feel that, too, more than i’d like to admit. because if I ask for something then the pressure is on me to make it turn out well, whereas if it is simply given then i don’t have to be responsible for the results. what a way to go through life, taking as little responsibility for it as i can! waiting.....to be discovered, to be lifted, to be convinced that i am seen and heard and appreciated. because then it’s not me telling the world i’m worth hearing, ‘cause if i tell the world i’m worth hearing then i’m telling the world that i’m good, and humble people don’t tell the world that, and good people don’t have to. i’m terrified of exuding the characteristics that i don’t care for in others, or worse yet becoming them! (because of course no one is actually jealous of anyone they “don’t like”..... :)

somewhere, somehow i know it is possible, and so, so desirable for asking to be heard to be nothing more than acknowledging that i have a song, and, well, songs are meant to be heard.

always count the change

2011-10-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

i guess i’m compelled to type keys on a keyboard. i’m home. i’m looking around, in somewhat of a daze....the days went by fast, the days went by slow, but the days went by. i smelled them, i tasted them, i touched them, i reached out and tried to hold on to some....some shiny thing i wanted, some treasure i wanted for keeps. coffee came as i suspected......the bag of ground goodness i stashed in the freezer and the creamer cups from The Epic Day of gaming (or at least the epically long one....) the back door refuses to unlock for me, though the seasons have changed the rays of sun and there is a perfect peak of shade around the booming credibility of william’s sworn stories of hard work and care. a bit more effort would find me the key to the gate and the long way around, but i guess i’ve had enough of that for now. there is a “wad of money on the coffee table” from the epic endeavors of a show in small town kansas, which was counted last night and excitingly exceeded the income from my kick off show in bellingham......by exactly one dollar. always count the change.

let that song(book) go

2011-07-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

sept. 17, 2006 sunday

"i once described a song by saying i could live and die there. tonight i describe a song, three songs, my songs, by saying that i did. i folded and unfolded, discovered, released, inhaled and exhaled, loved and listened in a wee little room full of every good and tangible thing you could want, and two people who had me captive. there's no way i could've not been there, no way i could've not felt what i felt. a whole slough of words: safe, happy, excited, overwhelmed, enchanted, empowered, whole, awed. curled up on the floor, smiling, wide-eyed, well fed, sleepy, fingering the cord linking my ears to my future with a gentleness truly meant for his face, and i wanted to fall asleep.....and just stay. i wanted to weep, i wanted to laugh, i wanted to dance. i'm in love with possibility, with electric guitar, with the atmosphere, with click tracks, with lamplight and eyelashes, black ink and black jeans, walk downs and 5th notes, warm air and water, bare feet and bared souls, closed eyes and wedding rings, fuck ups and thumb ups. most of the time i didn't know which was which, it was all magic. and there i was at the heart of it, my creative contents being mapped and navigated, string by string. see what i can do. see what i can be a part of. see what happens when people come together."

(~recording of This Mighty World)

i've decided to write a songbook. which is a little bit funny to say, 'cause it's really already written. even the unconventional parts of it already exist. i just have to sort through my collected history of roughly 35 journals to find it. maybe it defeats the purpose sometimes but i've (almost....) always kept my journals in such a way that i would enjoy looking back at them for years to come, and hopefully continue learning from them each time i did. a few of them i could really do without......(i mean do i really need to look back on every daniel johns dream i ever had? which i have NOT done!) but after so many years it's tough to let go.

i don't really know what my songbook will really look like yet, but i don't need to. the stories will find me just as i will find the stories. perhaps a few such as this.

2011-06-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

"there's a song for every savored moment

there's a penny for our every thought

when i asked for what would keep me happy

honey you were what i got"

~come to bed: shawnee kilgore

photos by debbie jayne

excitement

2011-06-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

this is the picture that will be on my new bank card :) perhaps i should not have been so absolutely excited about getting to choose, but i was. and the world needs more excitement....heaven forbid we should have to explain it all. just let it happen, please let it happen! :)

2011-05-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

too hot: when i go to get into my un-airconditioned car after working outside for six hours and burn every part of my fully clothed body that touches the seat, burn my face after attempting to put my glasses on that had been lying covered on the front seat, burn my hands on the steering wheel as i attempt to succeed in my desperate dash for shelter, burn my eyes as i attempt simply existing in the vehicle, and upon dialing my sweetie's number to keep from having a nervous breakdown in mopac traffic i do, in fact, burn my ear on the phone that has been in my right pants pocket.

the gardener

2011-05-31T16:46:00.000-07:00

well, this was a little bit of a tragedy. at least i treated it as such. william referred to my demeanor when i burst inside to tell him about it as "slightly homicidal." and it's an interesting thing with a garden, really. i was pretty shaken up after worrying about/reading up on all the invaders that will almost certainly come and ruin everything and then finding one inside the vine of my first officially dead squash plant. i was freaked out and angry and worked up and felt a surge of both hopeless vulnerability and cutthroat determination to save the rest of my babies. while reading pages upon pages of gardeners' testimonials i came across several mentions of feeling sick over the bugs, often at the sheer numbers of them. and with my one little squash borer, which i did drop into a bucket of soapy water like several of the garden warriors said to do, i felt sick too. perhaps because i have a rather undesirable habit of dwelling on how many terrible ways there are to die, or perhaps because in a very small way it was putting me in much closer touch with my food chain. i guess it's the natural way of all living things: if you want to eat you have to work for it. and sometimes you have to kill bugs.

the silence as well as the song

2011-05-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

last year for mother's day my mom asked each of us kids to tell her something we appreciate about her. and it was an awesome thing to do, 'cause i have all sorts of amazing things to tell my mother, and if she hadn't of asked, well, maybe i wouldn't have remembered to say them. it was my birthday earlier this month, and she decided to do the same for me. i'm so glad she did. she said things that i felt really good hearing. one of those things was how i am willing to really put myself out there and be terribly honest and open about what i go through and what i learn in the process. she said that allows other people to do the same. and i really appreciate that, especially now that i'm actually trying to treat myself as a Professional Musician, and even more frighteningly trying to convince the world that's what i am too! ;) and it makes it hard, all the pressure to always put your best foot forward and always have your game face on. i don't want to be part of the intimidating face of "the music business" and all it's competition that i feel uncomfortably face to face with so often. i want to remember that i am a unique person with a unique musical journey. everyone else is, too. we all come from different places; we all sing from different hearts. it is my goal to believe that people want to know me, during the silence as well as the song.

2011-05-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

2011-04-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

well, we made a garden. there are seeds in there, instead of an unbelievable amount of dirt bricks. and who knows how long those will stay exactly where they are, 'cause neither of us want to touch them....anymore. beets, swiss chard, summer squash, okra, cucumbers, melons......we're happy (and tired and sore :)

2011-04-18T16:12:00.001-07:00

2011-04-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

2011-04-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

well....we both claimed to be really terrible at keeping plants alive. i believed him, and hoped it might work as mathematics work....when you multiply two negatives you get a positive (though i guess one could argue that we might be adding together negatives, in which case there is no hope). so far the babies are absolutely beautiful, and i go outside every morning to water and absolutely marvel (loudly :) at how gorgeous they are. their very existence is a miracle.....just as it should be. and just as it is, when we let it.

2011-03-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

sunday? we dug it. yes, yes we did....there was a whole lot of this going on. last night my hamstrings were so sore i could barely walk. and today, well, we all know that it just gets worse "today." i was still pulling these roots in my head for the rest of the night, painfully reminded of the damage every time i clapped at the end of another ridiculous devo song. yes, devo. sunday? we dug it.

2011-03-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

well, we kicked ass today. it was really fun actually! super hot, almost ninety, if not ninety. one of the most domestic days i've ever experienced really... and the little things were a big kick in the pants. i got to pick out polka dot garden gloves, and pot herbs, and dig up a collection of random objects that i was inspired to piece together an "if these walls could talk" story about (a mystery perhaps ;) i'm on a really good team here, can you tell?

2011-03-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

giant leopard moth

i really flipped out when i saw this today! i thought maybe i was the first ever to witness a rare and undocumented species, and was rapt with utmost awe and respect. i mean really, how freakin' cool is nature????? (does anyone else see a reel to reel camera?) it's still right outside william's door, which probably means it's either wounded or dead, but maybe he's just playing it cool.

farewell and a lovely life

2011-02-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

i’m understanding now that when people listen to someone play a song and the person is like “oh i made all those mistakes” and the people are like “oh we totally didn’t hear them” they aren’t lying (tho there is no way to ever convince the performer of this). they really didn’t hear them. why? ‘cause that’s not what they were paying attention to. they were paying attention to the story, to the voice, as a whole. so that’s what they heard. besides why do we think that blunders are the end all death sentence of a performer? sure the “big boys” probably won’t be impressed, but if that’s all they see instead of rest of the offering, well...who the hell cares about them then, if the important thing is that i feel good? i feel good when i have my back, i feel good when it doesn’t matter what people think. the walk i took on new year’s eve was really one of the best ever. it was an awe-inspiring beautiful and child like adventure, and what struck me most about it was the true dreamlike quality, and the absolute lack of concern about who was around and what they might be thinking. it was super cold but i played the uke until i could play no more, and sang and smiled and laughed and stopped to play for the first slug i have seen in a long time crossing the sidewalk. that in itself was not to be topped by anything; that was life. the shadows of my hair blowing in the wind, the streetlights, a slug on a journey crossing paths with a girl on a journey. a leaf blew upon it, and i wondered if i should move it, but i didn’t. i bid him farewell and a lovely life and went on my way, but looked back just in time to see that leaf blow free.

hello good gravity

2011-02-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

what i have failed to realize is that nothing that has ever happened to me, nothing i've ever said or done, not even my dreams and aspirations are "who i am".... sure they existed at the time, but at the time that was the present moment, and right now the only present moment there is is this one, and "who i am" is ever expanding life energy, "who i am" is unconditional love, "who i am" is the magic of the unknown, and i cannot....i cannot be afraid to have an impact on the world around me. i've been timid....i've tended to choose from what is there instead of daring to imagine.....all those wishes about fear and dear god if i haven't lived my life in a sad kind of terror! and only recently is it becoming quite clear to me that deep down below every other "belief" that i'm aware of, is the one i'm not aware of that is certain that i'm a terrible person for one reason or another ('cause if it's not one reason i guarantee you i will find another!) and the reasons why don't really matter....i'm actually not all that interested anymore, because as soon as i'm interested i'm strengthening the attachment to something i don't want. and i don't want it 'cause it's getting in my way! i want to connect with people in honest and genuine ways and play music and change the world and that's hard to do when you're certain you have deep dark secrets that would turn the world against you.

i guess they say "old habits die hard" or something but i don't really know what the "hard" part means, 'cause it seems to me it's pathetically slow and drawn out.... and really when it comes down to it the only old (bad) habit i can think of is thinking the natural state of being human is NOT the peaceful, joyful, alive and present one (that has really been coming quite naturally to me!) but the rare "bad day" one that comes in and somehow outweighs the last month of empathetic bliss. i still see the "good" as a tower built up from the ground, that is fragile and at the mercy of its foundation, instead of the good being the ground (that i spend all sorts of time and energy building a tower of shit from! that thankfully is QUITE fragile and at the mercy of the elements..... hello good gravity, you are my friend... ;)

you know you want to

2010-12-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

i heard a line in a song today, what was it.... well, no matter. the line meant something to me for a completely random reason. and the idea that i can somehow grasp what my music means to me and why i do it and what it’s going to mean to people and blah blah blah blah is just absurd. truly, truly absurd. not only impossible, but absolutely, and in all other ways, unnecessary. i do what i do, and that’s all i need to know. it is not only not-helpful to anticipate how people are going to accept things, it’s tremendously limiting. i can’t possibly ever know what something is going to mean to someone. i guess i have this constant need to “understand” what my place is in the world, the music world i guess, because the rest of it i have a pretty good relationship with. i can walk down the street smiling and feel pretty good about it, but it’s absolutely exhausting struggling with my musical identity. i’m realizing some incredible things though, and it’s just like: no WONDER!!!!! shit. aside from feeling the constant pressure of what i know other people think i should be doing, there’s the huge and profound realization that i don’t feel i can rely on myself, for anything. seriously. i keep catching these glimpses of the true power tapped into when i really just let whatever it is flow through me. and it keeps coming down to the stunning and stubborn disbelief that people could possibly find it interesting to watch me plucking strings on a guitar. i’m trying to drill it in that PEOPLE ENJOY MUSIC. PEOPLE LIKE TO SIT AND RELAX AND LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE PLAY MUSIC. i’m trying to make the shift from “guilty until proven innocent” to “innocent until proven guilty.” i keep feeling that i have to prove myself to the big boys, that every single person who hears me is one of them, listening with spectacles and a big red pen.

and have i mentioned reputation yet? i’ve got it drilled in to my head that i have to be “professional” and if i’m not it’s just a silly mistake that’s not worth it. but the only motivation to be professional is to make money. right? if you aren’t professional then “they” won’t take you seriously, and if “they” don’t take you seriously you’re screwed. you’re banned from any chance of getting into that club. but.....but what about the really fun club? the truly creative, driven by love and passion club? the club that is playful and isn’t afraid to laugh at itself? the personal club? ("because whatever else anything is it ought to begin by being personal" ;) again, it’s that inside out vs. outside in thing. it has to come from me first. accepted or not once it’s out, that is totally not even my concern. do what is pure, do what feels right, nothing else matters. and i never will get to see myself objectively as an artist. we don’t get to do that. so what can i do instead? i can write songs that mean something to me, and give them the chance to mean something to someone else too. people like music. i make music. that’s all i ever need to know.

something i recognized today is that i feel like i have to be strong enough to support all of my songs all the time. that if someone out there is going to pour meaning into a song i have written, and therefore lean on it, in some way, i have to be strong enough to hold it, and them, up. and i know i can’t do that, so instead i keep just trying to write songs that are strong enough to do it without me. songs that aren’t guilty by association with me. some worthy endeavor, i know..... arggggggggg. i don’t have to beat myself up over how stupid it is i just have to let it go. i just have to let it all go, i know. but that means something different every day. there is nothing that truly remains the same. even the most solid relationships in the world are not solid at all. we choose every moment, we react every moment. i am never going to have the same reaction to anything ever, but we condition ourselves. "this makes me happy"... and maybe it’s true, that every time you see something, or hear something, or smell something it makes you happy, but part of that is surely the sheer delight of something, yet again, sparking that deep and joyous beauty in you. it cannot be taken for granted. it is a dangerous expectation that certain things will make you feel good every time. i fear that happiness itself can be extinguished if it “fails” us.

the more things become unraveled for me the more i can see the millions and billions of joints where there is potential for everything to fall apart. it is as i see myself, as a plethora of tiny parts, and not as a unified whole. i’m a little overwhelmed to realize that i cannot, indeed, hide from the world. i cannot make time stand still, and nor can i cease the decision making process. i can, of course, stand in a dark corner with my eyes closed but i am still radiating just as much intention of energy as i would be on a stage in front of thousands of people. this is both terribly troubling and comforting. i don’t know where i am tonight. i’m “doing everything right,” i’m taking care of myself, i’m allowing myself quiet time to simply sit there and not “do” anything, i’m indulging on anything that will make me feel good, including curling up on the toilet under a towel because there was a beautiful song playing and i’ve always liked the feeling of the toilet seat after a bath when my bum is still kind of wet. i’m doing all that, i’m just not....really....understanding. something is still a bit off....and perhaps i just can’t stop analyzing. perhaps it is the outside voices i can’t turn off, not the inside. a constant checking in with what “the world” thinks i should be doing. and “the world” has some great ideas, don’t get me wrong, the world is full of voices like my mama’s, and strangely’s, and phil’s, and all those people that believe in me and have pretty straight-forward ideas on how i can better help myself do what it is i am claiming i want to do. and that’s great, i shouldn’t turn those off right? but....i also don’t want to do things just because those voices think it’s a good idea. i need to agree, i need to have some intrinsic pull towards such things. and i’m seeing how much i want to make absolutely nothing happen so much of the time. i don’t want to make anything happen that i don’t trust, and we’ve established how much i don’t trust myself, so it’s never the right time to do anything. i am afraid of change, totally. as much as i love it, and newness life, and newness is magic, and newness is a brand new opportunity, and newness is pure, i’m terrified of it. because really, any book i’ve ever read, any speaker or singer i’ve ever heard, any good advice i’ve ever gotten, any mantra i’ve ever adopted, these are all things. things that i took from the outside world and made my own. if i don’t trust myself, they don’t mean shit. really. they mean no more than the paper they are printed on. they are empty. i pour my own meaning into things, and then i want it to be there every time. i want to return to the words and magically feel all better. and i know i won’t. i just don’t know what to do/think/count on instead. i see all the fallacies, i just don’t know what else there is.

“just let go”...... sure, but that has to mean something before i can do it. really, my brain is devising plans on how to go about this. whatever i need, however i need to go about things. at this point i accept my reliance on words, on phrases, on ideas, though i am trying to be open to the reality that my understanding of said words/phrases/ideas will change, and grow, and it is ok. reaching for the best feeling thought, yes. this too will pass, yes. what do i want at any given moment, yes. i may actually make a list of these things....though i fear that is exactly what will render them meaningless. there must be something.....something i can always reach for and not feel doubt that it is another trap. something strong enough that my self-doubt cannot destroy it.

i smile, though it’s a sad state of affairs. i guess it’s just that we’re taught, even in ‘enlightenment,’ that everything goes in cycles, there are ups and there are downs. which is great, sure, but to me that means i am going to feel good, and then i am going to feel bad, and that’s just the way it is. it therefore seems unattainable that i can feel “good” all the time, that feeling “good” is my natural state of being and always there if i only choose it. again, there’s the “me” voice (hopeless optimist) and the “world” voice (serious downer). (or maybe it’s the other way around....good, i’m glad to be confused about that.) and the real truth is: i don’t know what the fuck i want. i “know” that it’s the only thing i have to “know,” the only thing that i need to be concerned with, but “knowing” is just a word. it doesn’t mean shit. i still have way too much shit to wade through to be able to “know” anything. and i guess the best thing i can do with that is be ok with it.

this is where i am today, this is how i understand myself to the best of my ability today. this is me today. and tomorrow it will be different. tomorrow i will be different. and whether that seems like a blessing or a curse, it doesn’t matter. and i guess today i am taking nothing for granted. today everything is truly a new choice. everything. my relationship and love for my family and friends, my music, my goals, my joys, really just myself, when it comes down to it. i’m thinking that’s how it “should” be, i guess. that if every moment we choose our reality, then choose it. choose to love your family and friends, choose to be a kind and creative individual, and be reminded why you are, and do, so. at any given moment, what is it you want? such an easy thing to lose sight of. such an easy thing to let become habit. such a hard thing to describe. i catch glimpses of tremendous meaning in things i’ve heard a thousand times. we are all in this together. i know we are. i’m just afraid of changing anything, ‘cause i don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. i take great responsibility upon myself if i change the world. i am stopped by the hesitation of wondering if it is worth it, and if i am ready.

may i say to myself now, and forever:

yes.

if you trust the universe then you trust yourself. if you don’t, well, at least you know you want to. go from there.

come in big bad wolf

2010-12-18T19:34:00.000-08:00

come in big bad wolf, let's talk about it. there are some things i need to say to you, some good advice i'd like to share, and i want very much to rest assured that you know how much i love you. i see you; you can't hide who you truly are from me, and you are beautiful. you are beautiful. and you are not wrong; you are never wrong. you are just being guided by forces that are not good for you. the ways in which you try to protect me and help me are really unhelpful at times, but i know it is never deliberate. i know you would never really try to hurt me. but i need you to know how uncomfortable it is for me at times. i need to draw my boundaries. you are always welcome with me; you are always safe with me. but there are ways of which i love myself too much to be treated, and i need it to be clear to you what those ways are. if you are ever not clear, please ask. you want me to listen to you, but you are not willing to listen to me. you want me to keep you around, but you are not willing to work with me toward our better good. when you treat me with respect and kindness you treat yourself with respect and kindness and i want nothing more in the world than to know you feel capable of doing that. i want you to know how good it feels to love yourself, and how good it feels to let that love in from others. it's there. you don't have to earn it, you don't have to find it, you don't have to deserve it. it's who you are. i love you, with all of my being. please let me in.

more than happy

2010-12-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

BBW #2: that my guitar playing is too quiet if i’m finger picking, that there's just not enough there to build on. so i try to make it louder and then just blunder the hell out of it. but i’m uncomfortable playing with a pick ‘cause that makes it louder, and most likely my guitar’s out of tune and making it louder therefore makes it worse.

the truth is the guitar has its own voice, it’s own subtleties. it’s much harder for me to record just guitar, and then just vocals. i know it’s better overall for the technical quality factor, but it loses something, a cohesiveness, a fuel, a mutual support. that aside, i know it is a good skill to have, so i’ve been practicing. and as always, i'm looking for, and finding, the positive. and i’m finding that when the vocal melody is not there to drown it out, the guitar (even mine!) is more than happy to sing, and more than happy to offer up ideas that i couldn’t hear before. the danger in that of course being that once you try to do something you’ve been doing all along it becomes impossible :) one more reason to get out of the way.

oh, and i’ve been trying hard to keep the cat from walking on my 8-track, but she must’ve gotten on it at some point ‘cause last night when i went to turn it off there was a tuner up on the screen. i’ll be damned.

the kind of nice

2010-12-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

i have been really nice to myself today. like really nice, like the kind of nice that you reach when you’re on mushrooms and the world is so damn warm and alive and beautiful that your eyes are watering and you’re choked up for six hours. i shared a moment with my boss at terra organica, stephen, one night at the store and when i went to express my gratitude for the amazing customers we get in there, and the wonderful, genuine, beautiful exchanges of energy i had experienced that night (that make up so much for the nasty yucky ones....i’d had a couple of those too) i totally choked up even talking about it! that unconditional love that is just the purest thing there is, and when it’s mutually and honestly shared between people? forget about it! ;)

so that’s the kind of nice i have been to myself today. the kind that feels so good to receive, but even better to give..... and my big appreciations for little things was out of control. i visited my reverbnation page and couldn’t contain myself that twenty-one people are signed up for my email list! i have fifty-nine official reverbnation fans! i was shrieking with delight! and why not? why not find that absolutely, perfectly incredible? i will keep going! people are interested! lovely!!!!! i made phone calls that needed to be made (because i knew how good it was going to feel to make them :), i worked on an awesome project for a dear friend, i took a lovely shower (at the end of which i marveled (loudly!) at my body’s beauty when faced with the giant mirror that lay in wait, i made myself a delicious (and disgustingly nutritious ;) dinner, and among all this recorded a new song.... man, you should have heard my encouragement to myself! genuine.....really, truly genuine, and really, truly grateful and amazed that i am finally really getting to know this girl. i would never, ever, ever willingly and consciously stand in her way. in fact i’d bulldoze down anyone else that would! i am going to support the shit out her from now on, because i can, because i like her, and because she needs it. not to mention that she’s a %$#&ing rad musician!!!! damn girl!!!!

all i can say is:

thank god for right now.

whatever i need to do.

2010-12-11T23:03:00.000-08:00

BBW: anything that the big bad wolf says to me, pretty much, but particularly those things that i actually feel are really getting the better of me.... i.e. things i’m having a “temporarily impossible” time letting go of. (i remain practicing the focus of the really interested witness.)

BBW #1: there is an underlying fear that i am somehow doing something wrong. that there are things people would look down at if they knew right now. that i am morally lacking, somehow, in an any given situation. my list of confessions right now would be that: my underwear, among other things, are (for whatever reason...?) strewn around three different rooms in someone else’s house (i’m house-sitting, just house-sitting!), i didn’t record a song yesterday, or today, like i “publicly” declared i was going to, i’m completely pining away over the boy i’m “supposed” to be getting over, i haven’t called my dear mary to thank her for her letter, i haven’t “done” anything to make my life goals come true today, i didn’t want to do anything to make my life goals come true today, i’m still in my pajamas, i’m still terrified of time, i’m still stubborn as hell, i’m still stuck, i’m still me, i’m still hiding out in a house in the middle of singer-songwriter heaven... i think that covers it, mostly. yeah, guilty as hell for not going out to explore, and more so for not even wanting to. what i want to do is stir the bubbling cauldron of the world from right here, exactly where i am (which is hard to do when you’re feeling guilty as hell). aha!...but i can :) ... isn’t that what all this universe talk is about? right....? right...?

i am not doing anything wrong. i am not doing anything wrong. do you know how unbelievable that sounds to me? whatever i need to do. whatever i need to do. whatever i need to do is ok.

ok....

ok?

ok.

newfound guitar tuner

2010-12-10T13:06:00.000-08:00

tonight i am tuning my guitar. that’s my goal, and the goal underlying that is that i want to better myself as a musician, and the goal underlying that is that i want to be a better person, and the goal underlying that is that i’ll feel better, and the goal underlying that is that the better i feel, the better i will be able to offer my gift to the world. and my gift is the same as everyone else’s gift when it comes down to it: to let our light shine.

so tonight i am tuning my guitar. tonight i am dealing with the ridiculous yet firm belief that i cannot actually do it. that it is a physical and mental and emotional impossibility in my current state of human being to tune a guitar. tonight i have gone through (not all the way, we’re still going) so many depths of awareness and “stories of my life” that it’s mind-boggling. so many “separate” struggles encompassed so eloquently in this one task. and this one task, as i am finding out, represents that i have built a dream on a shitty foundation, and have spent half of my lifetime setting myself up for humiliation and ridicule (not that it would actually come from anybody...but i fear it all the same) and stunting any kind of musical growth with this childish ball and chain of “i’ve never had any sort of musical training or lessons...i don’t know shit about music theory....i don’t even have my strings memorized,” like that’s a good thing... and not even that it’s a good thing but more the only thing i've got.

it’s like, oh it’s totally like that person’s name that you can’t remember (ever) and it’s super embarrassing and they can never know, and no matter what kinds of interactions you have, you can’t really get anywhere because you’ve got this big deep dark secret you’re trying desperately to hide... and you just can’t really pay attention. i am beyond embarrassed about the fact that i if you put me on stage with an out of tune guitar i will panic, and truly not be able to fix the problem. chances are better that i will instead inherently fall back on the “hey everybody, look what i can do despite the fact that i’m a moron. isn’t it cute?”

so, the story goes: i panicked because the battery in my pick-up died, therefore disabling my tuner (that i thank god for every day). totally panicked. and then made a stand to calmly began the journey. i believed for so long that it was waste of time to actually learn how to tune when we have machines to rely on now, to precise degrees. i wanted to record damn it! i wanted it to sound good! now! and only when it became quite clear that really the only way i was going to be able to record (or even move in that direction, and therefore get closer to that ultimate goal of feeling good and letting my light shine...) was to calm the fuck down, take some deep breaths and begin baby talking myself through it. i’m a smart person. i make music. i rely on notes to illustrate my stories. i can’t sing off key if i try (unless i’m terrified... or dive off knowingly into uncharted waters... but my voice will close off as soon as i realize the blunder--SAVE THE DIGNITY!!!) anyway, point being that i know a good note when i hear one!!!!!!! it’s my language. and yet i have a firm voice in my head that’s been telling me for fourteen years that i can’t tune a guitar.

the notes are there. and i swam through an infinite ocean of ways to find them. and what i came up with was a big complex system of checks and balances. i tune my ukulele (that’s a whole other story....) by chords. i play a chord until it sounds right, then check other chords and adjust until everyone is happy. good? good. and then i thought it mighty brilliant (and supportive...as that’s been my word for the last few days) to use my voice as the bridge between notes from the strings. i know what i want to hear next but then just can’t decipher if what i do hear is too high or too low (“there’s supposed to be a bridge around here somewhere....we must be too far north.....or too far south.” yeah, “some guide.” :) so i would sing the note i felt (with more than just ears) needed to come next and then adjust the string to it. right? switching my reliance to the thing i desire to feel most strongly about? i consciously checked back in with the quick 5th/7th fret run through, and though not perfect, it came out reasonably enough. and another lesson, again, to step back and go by the whole, instead of the micro lens difference between two things (especially when even this is a system among many components).

go by what you know. i know when a whole chord doesn’t sound right and even i can admit that i’ve got an inkling about which string it is, and if not at least a little gut feeling about the only two directional choices available, a newfound willingness to at least try one of them, knowing that if it isn’t right, then, well, i go the other. and back and forth and back and forth ‘til the cows come home if i have to, ‘cause it’s there. it’s there. it’s just a matter of stopping at the right place and time.

with love,

newfound guitar tuner

welcome :)

2010-12-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

well, there's no time to start like right now. sometimes that's at the beginning, sometimes in the middle. sometimes it's long after the "real story" is over.

right now i am. that's it. that's all i know.

and i have decided, for reasons that, in themselves, are not important, to let the world in on my life. not that anyone is beating down the door...but if anyone's knocking....well, welcome :)