i’m understanding now that when people listen to someone play a song and the person is like “oh i made all those mistakes” and the people are like “oh we totally didn’t hear them” they aren’t lying (tho there is no way to ever convince the performer of this). they really didn’t hear them. why? ‘cause that’s not what they were paying attention to. they were paying attention to the story, to the voice, as a whole. so that’s what they heard. besides why do we think that blunders are the end all death sentence of a performer? sure the “big boys” probably won’t be impressed, but if that’s all they see instead of rest of the offering, well...who the hell cares about them then, if the important thing is that i feel good? i feel good when i have my back, i feel good when it doesn’t matter what people think. the walk i took on new year’s eve was really one of the best ever. it was an awe-inspiring beautiful and child like adventure, and what struck me most about it was the true dreamlike quality, and the absolute lack of concern about who was around and what they might be thinking. it was super cold but i played the uke until i could play no more, and sang and smiled and laughed and stopped to play for the first slug i have seen in a long time crossing the sidewalk. that in itself was not to be topped by anything; that was life. the shadows of my hair blowing in the wind, the streetlights, a slug on a journey crossing paths with a girl on a journey. a leaf blew upon it, and i wondered if i should move it, but i didn’t. i bid him farewell and a lovely life and went on my way, but looked back just in time to see that leaf blow free.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
what i have failed to realize is that nothing that has ever happened to me, nothing i've ever said or done, not even my dreams and aspirations are "who i am".... sure they existed at the time, but at the time that was the present moment, and right now the only present moment there is is this one, and "who i am" is ever expanding life energy, "who i am" is unconditional love, "who i am" is the magic of the unknown, and i cannot....i cannot be afraid to have an impact on the world around me. i've been timid....i've tended to choose from what is there instead of daring to imagine.....all those wishes about fear and dear god if i haven't lived my life in a sad kind of terror! and only recently is it becoming quite clear to me that deep down below every other "belief" that i'm aware of, is the one i'm not aware of that is certain that i'm a terrible person for one reason or another ('cause if it's not one reason i guarantee you i will find another!) and the reasons why don't really matter....i'm actually not all that interested anymore, because as soon as i'm interested i'm strengthening the attachment to something i don't want. and i don't want it 'cause it's getting in my way! i want to connect with people in honest and genuine ways and play music and change the world and that's hard to do when you're certain you have deep dark secrets that would turn the world against you.
i guess they say "old habits die hard" or something but i don't really know what the "hard" part means, 'cause it seems to me it's pathetically slow and drawn out.... and really when it comes down to it the only old (bad) habit i can think of is thinking the natural state of being human is NOT the peaceful, joyful, alive and present one (that has really been coming quite naturally to me!) but the rare "bad day" one that comes in and somehow outweighs the last month of empathetic bliss. i still see the "good" as a tower built up from the ground, that is fragile and at the mercy of its foundation, instead of the good being the ground (that i spend all sorts of time and energy building a tower of shit from! that thankfully is QUITE fragile and at the mercy of the elements..... hello good gravity, you are my friend... ;)