i’ve been thinking a lot lately about time, about phrases like “my time” and “wasted time” and “making time.” truth is we can’t make time. truth is we only have right now. truth is i rarely feel that i’m making the most of the time i am given.
i recently started to break down my daily routine and chart how much time i was spending on what. i wanted to know why day after day after day i was never getting as much work done as i thought i should be, and needed to be. turns out what i was calling “a whole day to work” in my head was really just the few hours between taking care of other things.
i have a house and i like to keep it clean. i have chickens and i like them to be tended to. i have gardens that need care. i have a kitchen that i like to use. and i’m finding that i put way too much pressure on myself to get a million career moves done in a day. every day i’m disappointed in myself, which then puts more pressure on the next day. no good.
i waver back and forth about being in a huge hurry to achieve my life goals right now, and being relaxed enough to let myself have any amount of down time that isn’t productivity driven, or guilt infused. down time is not wasted time. in fact no time needs to be wasted time, as long as we are centered and present. i completely zenned out during rush hour the other day and was completely at peace with my life. how about that for productivity??
am i afraid to get caught up for fear that i will really, truly have nothing left to do and feel devoid of my life’s purpose? it seems impossible that i will ever have anything less than too much on my plate, though i need to be taking even baby steps in the right direction or it just plain weighs on my soul.
today is what i made of it, nothing more and nothing less. just as tomorrow will be what i make of it. you can’t just take a running leap and get to your dreams (if you can you’re not dreaming big enough! ;) you have to build the path one step at a time.
here’s to today’s small steps, even if it’s just one.