Day 5

Well, it’s Day 5.  I lost count of how many times people were surprised when my sweetie would tell them he was heading out on a seven week long adventure--without me.  They were not necessarily surprised that he would do it, but surprised that I would “let him.”  Not only would I let him--not that it’s at all my place to allow, or not allow, him to do things anyway--but I pushed for it.  Sure I miss him like hell already, but who’s to say that we can’t enjoy that?  Who’s to say that the missing isn’t beautiful?  I let him take this trip, because my most important job as a loving partner and friend is to notice what makes his heart light up, and encourage whatever that might be.  

And yes, I chose to stay home.  I chose the 100 degree heat, the 8 foot tall weeds, the fire ants and the empty house, because along with that I also chose chickens, a Nana cat, and a big blank canvas with very few distractions on which to focus a driven and tremendous desire to get “caught up,” and to create.  

Creation isn’t just about making art; it’s about learning to see art in the everyday things that you do.  When I wrestle the 8 Foot Jungle in the backyard, I’m creating; when I do dishes and fold laundry and put together Goodwill boxes, I’m creating; when I organize my studio, I’m creating--even if it’s just space; space is good.  And of course there’s photography, preparation for the record I’ll be making in December, and about 300 other creative ideas that were gleaned from a giant hand-me-down stack of Country Living and Martha Stewart magazines.  My boy is allowed to be a tiny bit terrified by that (but he’ll also be happy that I used “gleaned” in a sentence for the very first time :)

I just feel like I’m constantly daydreaming about having it all....all the TIME, that is.  All that precious time that nobody quite feels they have enough of.  And right now?  I have a bunch, and by jove I’m not wasting a drop of it.  (Ok, maybe a few drops.)  In fact, I’ve taken the daily To-Do List to a whole new level by creating a system in which every task is assigned a point value.  Even the daily things like watering the garden and cleaning the kitty litter get points, so that even if all I do in a day is take good care of the living parts of our household, well, that’s worth something.  (So far today has nothing on yesterday’s whopper: I clocked in--or out--at 1:15am with 51 :)

I know it’s easy when we’re in long term loving relationships to begin forgetting, or even fearing, who we are without the other person, but I think it’s important to remember, and to embrace it.  The better for us to grow; the better for us to be able to truly support one another, without being afraid of growing apart.  There’s always risk in growth, but I believe wholeheartedly that to really be alive we must take it.  

So here’s to friendship, love, life and adventure; may we know when it’s best to “allow” them.  I must go now to feed the Nana cat and give ice and treats to little chickens.  And yes, I get points for that.

The Best Day of My Life

I had a memorable cashier at Whole Foods on Sunday, the day before my 31st birthday.  She had a huge smile and was very personable and something about the way she told me to have the best day of my life the following day, like the idea had just struck her and she thought it was the greatest thing, was unforgettable.  It WAS the greatest thing; it IS the greatest thing, that each day we wake up into is where all the action happens.  It’s where all creations are made, where all seeds are sown, where all dreams are dreamed, where all hearts are broken and where all hearts mend.  Every kiss, every laugh, every song, every hug, every cup of coffee and glass of wine, every great conversation, every small thing that matters, all happen Today.

No day is inherently more extraordinary than any other.  Some we can’t wait to get here, some we can’t wait to get gone, and some, well, just seem to go a little unnoticed.  But one thing remains true, the days are exactly what we make them, no more and no less.  We are all creating, all the time.  We are all artists in that way.  Life is a canvas with which to paint our dreams.

I had a really, really wonderful birthday, full of love and gratitude for all of the amazing people (and freakin' sweet new Goodwill dress :) that helped make it so.  I have yet to answer the question, but the first time someone asks me how old I am and the answer is 31...well, it’s gonna be a little weird.  You gotta understand that the baby of five older brothers never gets to be THIRTY-ONE....yet somehow, here I am.  

I’m planning to make this a really big year, full of many of those “someday” dreams that I’m just going to make happen.  Because I want to.  And because, for the first time in my life, I really feel able.  Growing can be scary because we don’t want to look at and admit to all the things we don’t know, and there is so much I don’t know.  But the great news is that I’m surrounded by extraordinary people who have learned the things I want to learn,  who are doing the things I want to do, and who are so generous in their willingness to help me.  

So here continues the journey....that I cherish oh so much.

And today?....

Today is the best day of my life.  For it is the one that I am living.

People

Once, when I was feeling down on myself about my accomplishments in life, or lack thereof at the time, I remembered someone who’s life I had profoundly changed.  And it was a new friend, a very recent experience that I was still in the thick of, and it was a huge shift for me.  

There are marks to be made on this world, absolutely, but they don’t always involve winning awards, or getting a certain number of likes on your Facebook page or selling X amount of copies of your new record, or, heaven forbid, winning a Grammy.  These things are great, and we shouldn’t stop working towards what we want, but in the end it’s all about the people whom we have walked beside, maybe for a mile, maybe for a day, maybe just long enough for a story and a smile, maybe ‘til the very end of that long, long road.

I have saved peoples’ lives, I know this.  And some I couldn’t save, I know that too.  But if I’m going to measure myself by accomplishments (a bad habit, but I know we all do it) I’m damn well going to go by the lives I have changed for the better.  We’ve all made profound impacts on people throughout our lives, and what an incredibly beautiful thing about being human.  

Please take a moment to realize all the times you have made someone’s life better, whether it was a shoulder to cry on, good conversation, a giggle fest that just wouldn’t quit, saying “I love you,” “Thank you,” or simply calling them a friend and really meaning it.  These things matter, and much, much more than a lot of things we let get us down.  

If I am at all wise, it’s all my mother’s fault.  I dedicate this to her.

The Answer is Always Right Here

It was in a noisy, crowded bar in Vancouver, BC after playing a show with the political punk band I was in at the time when I heard, and understood for the first time, those words.  

We had taken separate cars up and half the band had gotten times messed up, resulting in a rather frantic and immediate entry to the stage once everyone had arrived.  No sound check.  We just plugged in and went.  Sometimes that’s what you have to do.  

We stayed after to see the other bands, though noisy bars have never been my thing.  I don’t have the ears, or the voice, for it.  I don’t want anyone shouting in my ear, and I don’t want to shout in anyone else’s ear.  It just makes me cough, anyway.

My mind wandered, as it often does in proper pendulum fashion....a wide and graceful slow motion swoop back and forth between past and future.  (Isn’t it inevitable that it has to pass through the present each time?)  

If the grass is always greener on the other side (in the other tense?), then our Selves are always better over there, too.  If we can remove ourselves enough with a projection onto the future then maybe we won’t be burdened by us when the time comes.  If time heals everything then eventually it will just take the parts of us we don’t like away.....right?  Instead of removing the Big Bad Wolf of our ego and judgement, we would rather wait for time to take away everything that provokes it.  Typical ;)

Whatever answers we may seek, we can only find them right here.  This moment.  Even if the journey is 1,000 miles long there becomes here eventually.  Nothing can be discovered outside of now.  In fact....nothing can be said, felt, seen, experienced, feared, sung, drunk, heard, touched, celebrated, broken, destroyed, or even noticed outside of now.  

Once discovered, NOW is a vast and infinite canvas...yet we spend so much of our time trying to create our Life's Masterpiece safely hidden on the edges that don’t really exist.  You have all the room you need to create your incredible and unique work of art.  Don’t worry about taking up someone else’s space.  There is room in the moment for everyone and if we all could get together there, well, I dare say magic might happen.  (And I dare say it does.)

The Prettiest Girl in the Room

“Everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  ~32 Flavors, Ani DiFranco

I think about that line a lot.  Sometimes it’s in the literal sense of how people compare their bodies to others and sometimes it’s more in how we get down on ourselves because of others’ accomplishments and attention.  It all ties together.

It’s true that I have been thin all my life.  And I have pretty much been 5’10” since the 4th grade.  I was the textbook definition of awkwardly scrawny, and still have a knobby knee complex that is truly ridiculous.  Because I tried to eat at least a little bit healthy in school, skipping the unidentifiable parts of high school lunches and going for salads instead, people assumed I was on diets and accused me (light-heartedly?  playfully?) of being anorexic.  (The still-clinging habits I adopted to try and prove people wrong are a whole other story!)

It’s taken me a long time to realize the fact that most of my life people have demonstrated that it’s ok to say things to each other like, “I hate you; you’re so skinny.”  And it’s “ok,” because people think it’s a compliment.  People think that phrases like that actually make someone feel good about themselves.  People think in that sense that if they put themselves down it will boost others up.

It’s completely inappropriate to talk to someone in that manner if they’re overweight, so why on earth is it ok to accuse someone of being under weight?  (And furthermore, when the heck did it become a compliment to tell someone you hate them??)

What’s the message learned from that?  “Shine too bright and you’ll make others around you feel bad about themselves.”  Ouch.  No one wants to do that.  Most people would rather hold themselves back than risk hurting other people and somehow the guilt is lessened if we diminish our light and keep ourselves down.

We need to fix this, in a big way.  We need a new model (take that as you will!).  As best I can figure it out we are all here to be as happy as we possibly can, and you know what?  Joy is beauty!  When we shine our brightest, when we do our best, when we follow our dreams, when we take care of ourselves, when we tell, and show, the world that we are in love with who we are, we help teach others how to do the same.  That’s what the world needs.  That’s a remarkable gift we can give each other. 

You are here to shine, with a light that is yours and only yours.  The world would not be the same without it. 

Do Nothing

There are turnaround moments in our lives, some monumental and some mundane.  Sometimes we know without a doubt when we experience one, some take days or months or weeks to catch up to us as such.

Last week I had a quiet night at home with my sweetie.  Neither of us had any plans on the evening, and ended up just doing our own thing, with him in his office and me downstairs.  I’ve been trying hard lately to separate my “work” hours from my “off work” hours (mostly to make sure that I actually have some off work hours!) and that evening I was trying to figure out what to do with the ones I had.

Innocently enough I started looking around the house for little chores I could get done or fun projects I could do, and it began to strike me that everywhere I looked were items or areas taunting me with obligational guilt, i.e. I was completely surrounded by “I should’s.”  It escalated, rather quickly, to the point where I was frantically pacing around the house feeling like I was in one of those horror movie scenes where everywhere the character turns there’s another scary thing in a quick zoom lens knocking them in the face ‘til either they go insane or the camera blacks out.

Seemingly small things had added up to make an overwhelming weight for me, and I was paralyzed to do anything at all about any of them.  I called my mom to try and calm down, and she asked me for an example of the “small things” I was referring to.  I went to a random surface in the bedroom and began naming off everything I saw there and why it was something else that “I should be doing.”  Then she asked me another good question.

What advice would you suggest to your readers if they were to find themselves in a situation like this?  What would you advise them to do?

After a second of contemplating this shiny new thought I practically yelled, “Chill out!  I would tell them to do nothing!”  

That was precisely what I needed to do.  That state of complete overwhelm and panic is a terrible place to do anything from, sometimes even impossible.  Once I surrendered to that notion, I tried relaxing on the couch playing my favorite game on Will’s phone.  Couldn’t do it.  Then I tried reading, but the second I opened the book I couldn’t do that either.  Nothing, Shawnee.  Just sit there, and be still.  Do...nothing.  Not as easy as it sounds, though I had NO idea it would be that difficult!  ...And I will confess that I never actually succeeded.  Thank God for midnight and a comfy bed ;)  

I know many of us can get so driven that it’s hard to get off the productivity train, even when it’s stalled out and stopped dead on the tracks.  It’s hard not to feel like every minute that goes by without something else getting done is five minutes wasted.  

My only flash of solace during this experience was, at my mom’s suggestion, to go around and make a list of every thing, big or small, that was the source of a “should” in my surroundings.  Hence began my daily fun of the Super Duper Ultimate To-Do List!  :)  It’s on a spread sheet on my computer, and I mark off the day something gets done, so I can organize it by day, with all the things I’ve already done at the top.  Sure, my list is well over 100 items long, including tasks, household or otherwise, of varying size (“make a new record” is right there next to vacuum the stairs), BUT in just a few days over 30 of those things got done!  I decided not to care how small something was.  As long as I determined it was taking up brain space, it qualified.  

Even if a list is long, at least then it’s quantifiable.  I much prefer to have it all written down where I can see it, rather than just feel the ominous presence of an unidentified shadow.

Ok then, I’m off to cross out “Write Thursday’s blog” now ;)

I wish you a beautiful day.  (And a little bit of nothing.)

Feel Good

“When I do good, I feel good.

  When I do bad, I feel bad.

  That’s my religion.”

  ~Abraham Lincoln

I love this quote, and I think it works the other way too.  When I feel good, I do good.  When I feel bad, I do bad.

I’m not far enough along yet to claim that I truly understand the law of attraction....but I definitely believe in it....to whatever degree I am capable of in the midst of whatever it is that's going on.  I only know what I have experienced and I know that when I feel super down I can’t very well do much of anything.  It's harder to be productive.  It’s harder to be kind, harder to reach out.  It’s harder to take good care of myself.  It’s harder to leave the house (I’ve heard this is important to do ;)

I’ve been realizing lately that there are so many little ways I can take better care of myself and I just don’t.  I know what makes me feel good and I know what makes me feel bad, so why do I do so much of (the wrong) one and so little of the other?  I can feel bad about my skin, but do I actually take the time to properly wash (and love!) my face before bed?  I can feel bad about all the sugar I eat, but do I actually not eat it?  (What in God’s name do I think will happen if don’t eat the entire bag of chocolate covered strawberries I got in my stocking in one sitting?)  

Feeling good is magical, straight up.  Feeling good means everything.  It means having an open heart so that you may receive.  It means being in alignment with this incredible and indescribably beautiful universe.  It means that you’re less focused on you and more focused on the amazing life force that runs through you.  It means knowing that you are a beautiful human being and you deserve good things.  It means having the confidence to acknowledge your dreams, the confidence to see opportunities to get closer to them, and then the confidence to try.  

Of course you’re not ever going to feel good all the time, but getting back there should always be priority.  Buy that $6 sweater from Goodwill, take the time to make that delicious salad for lunch (instead of just snacking on those chocolate covered strawberries), spend that extra $1 for the fancy coffee you really want, wash your sheets, hug your chickens.  Do whatever you need to do to feel good.  The world will be a better place for it.  

Stop and Go

Sometimes I feel like my life is one big game of stop and go.  Maybe that's healthy to point, but what happens when there's too much stopping and not enough going?  At the risk of repeating an analogy that makes a lot of sense to me, too much stopping is like pausing a song after every line to reflect on it, without allowing yourself the experience of hearing the song in its entirety.

It's important to have a balance, between adventure and reflection.  If you're going, going, going all the time it's easy to miss the meaning of your experiences and what you've learned from them, because the next thing is already there.  But, if you never allow for adventure you'll inevitably be stuck reflecting on a past that is well over by now.

I find myself spending so much time hesitating....just hesitating: second-guessing, rethinking, worrying about the potential worst outcomes of things I put out into the world (and often jumping ship when I find a strong dislike of the worst worst one!).  Some things should be well thought out, absolutely, and others (like that funny post you're making on facebook)....well, just don't need to take up that much time and energy.

We all want to have an effect on the world, but in general we want it to be positive.  With exceptions, of course, no one wants to say or do anything that leaves a negative impression, and we definitely want to leave a good first one.  Some of us are far more cautious than others when it comes to that, and the fear can leave some people paralyzed, never actually gaining the confidence to make any impression at all.

Life is ever flowing, and it's a much more pleasant experience if we let ourselves flow with it.  It's good to take time to rest and reflect, but usually we can get away with coasting for a bit when we need to, rather than slamming on the brakes and shutting the whole thing down 'til we know exactly what we're doing again.

I don't know about you, but I rarely know exactly what I'm doing.....though usually there's some kind of light on the horizon, towards which my heart knows to aim my feet.

A Beautiful Start to a Beautiful Year

Well well well, what have we here?

A beautiful start to a beautiful year.

I do believe with all my heart that there is only one direction life can go, and that the nature of the universe is to be better and better all the time.  There is no limit to how happy we can be.  No need to hold back for fear that we're going to use all of it up, or hit the peak of the hill just to roll down the other side to our bored and unhappy demise.  

Sometimes I worry that I'm running out.  Sometimes I worry that the world is running out.  Of what?  Of resources, of creativity, of new ideas, of general Good Things.  For every good song that is written that's one less good song in the pot.  For every creative endeavor that's one less thing that can be discovered.  Isn't it?  

I spent much of last year working my way out of that mindset.  And thank God, 'cause it sure was a heavy thing to carry.  I began to feel a bit ashamed that I would ever accuse the Universe of being anything less than infinite.  I began to feel tremendously excited and humbled to think of how many things people think of to create and then never do.  What if?  What if everybody created everything they ever dreamed of creating?  That is what joyfully calls me into this year. 

I vow this year to be kinder to myself.  

I vow to judge less and give more.

I vow to do more of what I love and less of what I don't. 

I vow to let go of everything, and know I cannot keep something that was never meant to stay.

I vow to breathe. 

I vow to look in the mirror often and say, "Shawnee, you can do it.  And Shawnee, I love you."

I vow to live more and hesitate less.

I vow to be happier than I've ever been.