Whatever it takes

When I was 14 years old I stood outside the boys’ locker room after a high school basketball game with a team from Australia to ask if anyone knew Daniel Johns from the teen rock band silverchair.

If you know me at all you’ve heard the name. At the time my entire existence was meaningless except for my undying love for a boy I had never met. But I KNEW. We were soul mates. Both of us would be ok if we could just find each other. In fact, the whole world might be ok.

And so I set out to get famous.  

Clearly we could never get married if he didn’t know who I was, and—ahoy!—there was a guitar. (Hindsight is now telling me that becoming a folk singer was not the *quickest* or best way to get famous, but it was somewhat convenient and promising at the time.)

Nothing was going to stop me. I researched exchange programs to try and get placed in his town, I begged my mom for plane tickets to Toronto (from Washington state) because at an in studio performance I was SURE to meet him (and then, of course, Voila!). I talked about him to everyone.

And stood outside the boys’ locker room soliciting total strangers for information.

This was a thing I wanted badly enough to do whatever it took. 

I didn’t care what anyone thought. 

Anyone. 

And I wish I felt that way about anything again, ever. 

More often it’s like the Meatloaf song: “I would do anything for ________, but I won’t do that…”

“That” generally referring to being too uncomfortable, risking too much, compromising dignity, facing fears, or, as it’s sometimes blatantly said, going balls to the wall, doing our best, giving our all. 

God forbid we actually give our all to something and fail.

God really forbid we give our all to something and succeed.

I want things. I look ahead to my life and I see a lot. I see things I can’t fathom not happening, loves I can’t fathom not loving, dreams-come-true I can’t fathom not coming true. 

What am I willing to do for them? Am I willing to do that? 

Are you?

Summer Rain

I bought a new car yesterday. I traded in my 20 year old beauty Sabine and after they took her away I sat on the couch and sobbed, unable to even go outside and look at the newly manifested beauty I had wanted so much.

I was NOT a person who *could* buy a new car. It's amazing how much I feel the need to really hit that one home to the world at large. It was a completely farfetched idea, and I was just crazy enough to start looking online for Prius C's in baby blue. Just to dream, and maybe get the cosmic ball rolling. I would name her Charlotte. 

Turns out all you have to do to buy a new car is find it and promise the people you'll pay money every month. Turns out I can do that. Turns out from start to finish my impossible notion became reality in under two weeks.

Looking at Charlotte was uncomfortable, driving Charlotte was uncomfortable. I did some errands, sizing her up fiercely in the parking lot each time I returned to her. IS THIS ACTUALLY CHARLOTTE....IS IT REALLY HER....THIS IS NOT MY CAR. Sometimes it was a whisper, sometimes a scream. 

I realized that I was uncomfortable, not because this isn't my car, but because it is.  

Here's to blowing what we *can't* do out of the water. 

Charlotte and I will be just fine. As we headed out for dinner and some music last night it began torrentially raining, wild storms completely out of the blue. For a state that is back to being all but on fire after the terrible flooding this spring it was a miracle and a spectacular blessing.

I had a sudden moment of clarity, and asked Will if he remembered the factory name of my car's color. 

I saw the same realization twinkle in his eyes and he smiled. 

"Summer Rain."

The Best Day of My Life

I had a memorable cashier at Whole Foods on Sunday, the day before my 31st birthday.  She had a huge smile and was very personable and something about the way she told me to have the best day of my life the following day, like the idea had just struck her and she thought it was the greatest thing, was unforgettable.  It WAS the greatest thing; it IS the greatest thing, that each day we wake up into is where all the action happens.  It’s where all creations are made, where all seeds are sown, where all dreams are dreamed, where all hearts are broken and where all hearts mend.  Every kiss, every laugh, every song, every hug, every cup of coffee and glass of wine, every great conversation, every small thing that matters, all happen Today.

No day is inherently more extraordinary than any other.  Some we can’t wait to get here, some we can’t wait to get gone, and some, well, just seem to go a little unnoticed.  But one thing remains true, the days are exactly what we make them, no more and no less.  We are all creating, all the time.  We are all artists in that way.  Life is a canvas with which to paint our dreams.

I had a really, really wonderful birthday, full of love and gratitude for all of the amazing people (and freakin' sweet new Goodwill dress :) that helped make it so.  I have yet to answer the question, but the first time someone asks me how old I am and the answer is 31...well, it’s gonna be a little weird.  You gotta understand that the baby of five older brothers never gets to be THIRTY-ONE....yet somehow, here I am.  

I’m planning to make this a really big year, full of many of those “someday” dreams that I’m just going to make happen.  Because I want to.  And because, for the first time in my life, I really feel able.  Growing can be scary because we don’t want to look at and admit to all the things we don’t know, and there is so much I don’t know.  But the great news is that I’m surrounded by extraordinary people who have learned the things I want to learn,  who are doing the things I want to do, and who are so generous in their willingness to help me.  

So here continues the journey....that I cherish oh so much.

And today?....

Today is the best day of my life.  For it is the one that I am living.

A Beautiful Start to a Beautiful Year

Well well well, what have we here?

A beautiful start to a beautiful year.

I do believe with all my heart that there is only one direction life can go, and that the nature of the universe is to be better and better all the time.  There is no limit to how happy we can be.  No need to hold back for fear that we're going to use all of it up, or hit the peak of the hill just to roll down the other side to our bored and unhappy demise.  

Sometimes I worry that I'm running out.  Sometimes I worry that the world is running out.  Of what?  Of resources, of creativity, of new ideas, of general Good Things.  For every good song that is written that's one less good song in the pot.  For every creative endeavor that's one less thing that can be discovered.  Isn't it?  

I spent much of last year working my way out of that mindset.  And thank God, 'cause it sure was a heavy thing to carry.  I began to feel a bit ashamed that I would ever accuse the Universe of being anything less than infinite.  I began to feel tremendously excited and humbled to think of how many things people think of to create and then never do.  What if?  What if everybody created everything they ever dreamed of creating?  That is what joyfully calls me into this year. 

I vow this year to be kinder to myself.  

I vow to judge less and give more.

I vow to do more of what I love and less of what I don't. 

I vow to let go of everything, and know I cannot keep something that was never meant to stay.

I vow to breathe. 

I vow to look in the mirror often and say, "Shawnee, you can do it.  And Shawnee, I love you."

I vow to live more and hesitate less.

I vow to be happier than I've ever been.

Today's Small Steps

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about time, about phrases like “my time” and “wasted time” and “making time.”  truth is we can’t make time.  truth is we only have right now.  truth is i rarely feel that i’m making the most of the time i am given.

i recently started to break down my daily routine and chart how much time i was spending on what.  i wanted to know why day after day after day i was never getting as much work done as i thought i should be, and needed to be.  turns out what i was calling “a whole day to work” in my head was really just the few hours between taking care of other things.  

i have a house and i like to keep it clean.  i have chickens and i like them to be tended to.  i have gardens that need care.  i have a kitchen that i like to use.  and i’m finding that i put way too much pressure on myself to get a million career moves done in a day.  every day i’m disappointed in myself, which then puts more pressure on the next day.  no good.

i waver back and forth about being in a huge hurry to achieve my life goals right now, and being relaxed enough to let myself have any amount of down time that isn’t productivity driven, or guilt infused.  down time is not wasted time.  in fact no time needs to be wasted time, as long as we are centered and present.  i completely zenned out during rush hour the other day and was completely at peace with my life.  how about that for productivity??

am i afraid to get caught up for fear that i will really, truly have nothing left to do and feel devoid of my life’s purpose?  it seems impossible that i will ever have anything less than too much on my plate, though i need to be taking even baby steps in the right direction or it just plain weighs on my soul.  

today is what i made of it, nothing more and nothing less.  just as tomorrow will be what i make of it.  you can’t just take a running leap and get to your dreams (if you can you’re not dreaming big enough! ;)  you have to build the path one step at a time.  

here’s to today’s small steps, even if it’s just one.