Underneath It All

Untouched raw photo by SanjayNPatel.com. FireMakeupArtistry by Jessi Pagel

...And then I got my hair and make up professionally done and had a really good photographer take pictures of me. Only the second time in my life THAT'S ever happened, the first being when I was eleven years old. I've had a whole 21 years since then to solidify and further complicate the relationship between who I actually am and who my self image thinks I am. I think for most of us there's a world of difference.

I wanted to write about the experience because it really seemed to have an impact on people seeing me like this, and I was somewhat overwhelmed by how many of you expressed a preference for me as I usually look—i.e. without make up, and I was really touched by it. I understand what you mean. Yes, I look really, really “sexy”—in one shot I think I look a lot like Julia Roberts, in another Natalie Portman, but only in the ones I didn't consider necessarily attractive did I look at all like Me.

We love people for their quirks, for the familiarity of the lines on their face, their smiles, the comfort and confidence we feel in who they are. Many of you didn't recognize me at all in this picture, including my own mother. Some face paint, lighting, a lens and some talent and we can be anyone we want to be—which I think can be really good for us, in moderation (like all good things in life).

I think it's important for us to play, to take on roles, to make ourselves the creative canvas sometimes. It reminds me that people only “see” what's on the outside, and guess what? If people see me like I am in this picture they're guaranteed to have a different impression of me than if they saw the “normal” me. That's neither good or bad; is just is. It's a tool, to be used for creativity, for strength, for fun, for growth, as long as it doesn't take you over, as long as you can come back down and remember who you are underneath it all.

A lot of us learned, through some means or another, that wanting and enjoying the spotlight makes us selfish or full of ourselves. I'm not sure what it will take for me to get over this one, but having a really amazing photo shoot done felt like a really healthy and positive step in the right direction. I mean, let's face it: I'm building a career that revolves around being, quite literally, in the spotlight, and the more I can learn to be comfortable and truly enjoy it the better an experience it will be for the people supporting me.

I'll admit, even looking totally not like myself I still felt wholly vulnerable in front of the camera.  I asked Sanjay to please not take any shots of my knees from the side, and looking over the photos find myself cringing at many a wrinkles, hairs, teeth and, yes, my knees. It's exhausting isn't it? The curse that each of us carries to scrutinize every tiny part of our incredibly magical and amazing bodies? There has to come a point of surrender, that I'm still working hard towards. I've learned enough to know that no one—like, NO one—is paying any attention to my knees, unless, of course, they hate theirs too. They'll be looking then, but unless they hate theirs in the very same way I hate mine, they aren't going to see what I see. No. One. Cares.  But me. What's the point?

I'm very familiar with the wide spectrum of feelings I have inhabiting this body, going about my business in the world with it, looking in the mirror at it. A lot of people think I'm really beautiful, and a good person, and I do my best to see myself that way, just as I want the beautiful people in my life to see themselves as I do. I catch glimpses here and there, and I'm grateful to all of you for that, yet there is no one in the world that sees us the way we each do on our darkest days. Perhaps we're not really as terrible as we think we are......? It's a noble idea.

I was relieved when I washed my face at the end of that day to find both that mine was still there—wrinkles, freckles and all—and that I was happy to see it. I know many of you were too.  

Day 5

Well, it’s Day 5.  I lost count of how many times people were surprised when my sweetie would tell them he was heading out on a seven week long adventure--without me.  They were not necessarily surprised that he would do it, but surprised that I would “let him.”  Not only would I let him--not that it’s at all my place to allow, or not allow, him to do things anyway--but I pushed for it.  Sure I miss him like hell already, but who’s to say that we can’t enjoy that?  Who’s to say that the missing isn’t beautiful?  I let him take this trip, because my most important job as a loving partner and friend is to notice what makes his heart light up, and encourage whatever that might be.  

And yes, I chose to stay home.  I chose the 100 degree heat, the 8 foot tall weeds, the fire ants and the empty house, because along with that I also chose chickens, a Nana cat, and a big blank canvas with very few distractions on which to focus a driven and tremendous desire to get “caught up,” and to create.  

Creation isn’t just about making art; it’s about learning to see art in the everyday things that you do.  When I wrestle the 8 Foot Jungle in the backyard, I’m creating; when I do dishes and fold laundry and put together Goodwill boxes, I’m creating; when I organize my studio, I’m creating--even if it’s just space; space is good.  And of course there’s photography, preparation for the record I’ll be making in December, and about 300 other creative ideas that were gleaned from a giant hand-me-down stack of Country Living and Martha Stewart magazines.  My boy is allowed to be a tiny bit terrified by that (but he’ll also be happy that I used “gleaned” in a sentence for the very first time :)

I just feel like I’m constantly daydreaming about having it all....all the TIME, that is.  All that precious time that nobody quite feels they have enough of.  And right now?  I have a bunch, and by jove I’m not wasting a drop of it.  (Ok, maybe a few drops.)  In fact, I’ve taken the daily To-Do List to a whole new level by creating a system in which every task is assigned a point value.  Even the daily things like watering the garden and cleaning the kitty litter get points, so that even if all I do in a day is take good care of the living parts of our household, well, that’s worth something.  (So far today has nothing on yesterday’s whopper: I clocked in--or out--at 1:15am with 51 :)

I know it’s easy when we’re in long term loving relationships to begin forgetting, or even fearing, who we are without the other person, but I think it’s important to remember, and to embrace it.  The better for us to grow; the better for us to be able to truly support one another, without being afraid of growing apart.  There’s always risk in growth, but I believe wholeheartedly that to really be alive we must take it.  

So here’s to friendship, love, life and adventure; may we know when it’s best to “allow” them.  I must go now to feed the Nana cat and give ice and treats to little chickens.  And yes, I get points for that.

The Best Day of My Life

I had a memorable cashier at Whole Foods on Sunday, the day before my 31st birthday.  She had a huge smile and was very personable and something about the way she told me to have the best day of my life the following day, like the idea had just struck her and she thought it was the greatest thing, was unforgettable.  It WAS the greatest thing; it IS the greatest thing, that each day we wake up into is where all the action happens.  It’s where all creations are made, where all seeds are sown, where all dreams are dreamed, where all hearts are broken and where all hearts mend.  Every kiss, every laugh, every song, every hug, every cup of coffee and glass of wine, every great conversation, every small thing that matters, all happen Today.

No day is inherently more extraordinary than any other.  Some we can’t wait to get here, some we can’t wait to get gone, and some, well, just seem to go a little unnoticed.  But one thing remains true, the days are exactly what we make them, no more and no less.  We are all creating, all the time.  We are all artists in that way.  Life is a canvas with which to paint our dreams.

I had a really, really wonderful birthday, full of love and gratitude for all of the amazing people (and freakin' sweet new Goodwill dress :) that helped make it so.  I have yet to answer the question, but the first time someone asks me how old I am and the answer is 31...well, it’s gonna be a little weird.  You gotta understand that the baby of five older brothers never gets to be THIRTY-ONE....yet somehow, here I am.  

I’m planning to make this a really big year, full of many of those “someday” dreams that I’m just going to make happen.  Because I want to.  And because, for the first time in my life, I really feel able.  Growing can be scary because we don’t want to look at and admit to all the things we don’t know, and there is so much I don’t know.  But the great news is that I’m surrounded by extraordinary people who have learned the things I want to learn,  who are doing the things I want to do, and who are so generous in their willingness to help me.  

So here continues the journey....that I cherish oh so much.

And today?....

Today is the best day of my life.  For it is the one that I am living.

A Beautiful Start to a Beautiful Year

Well well well, what have we here?

A beautiful start to a beautiful year.

I do believe with all my heart that there is only one direction life can go, and that the nature of the universe is to be better and better all the time.  There is no limit to how happy we can be.  No need to hold back for fear that we're going to use all of it up, or hit the peak of the hill just to roll down the other side to our bored and unhappy demise.  

Sometimes I worry that I'm running out.  Sometimes I worry that the world is running out.  Of what?  Of resources, of creativity, of new ideas, of general Good Things.  For every good song that is written that's one less good song in the pot.  For every creative endeavor that's one less thing that can be discovered.  Isn't it?  

I spent much of last year working my way out of that mindset.  And thank God, 'cause it sure was a heavy thing to carry.  I began to feel a bit ashamed that I would ever accuse the Universe of being anything less than infinite.  I began to feel tremendously excited and humbled to think of how many things people think of to create and then never do.  What if?  What if everybody created everything they ever dreamed of creating?  That is what joyfully calls me into this year. 

I vow this year to be kinder to myself.  

I vow to judge less and give more.

I vow to do more of what I love and less of what I don't. 

I vow to let go of everything, and know I cannot keep something that was never meant to stay.

I vow to breathe. 

I vow to look in the mirror often and say, "Shawnee, you can do it.  And Shawnee, I love you."

I vow to live more and hesitate less.

I vow to be happier than I've ever been.

Our Own River, Our Own Light

slow down my love

this old world she ain’t running out of time

slow down my love

ain’t nobody can write what’s mine

i wrote that song because my love and connection with any music that wasn’t my own was dwindling.  it was forced and skeptical and a lonely place to be.  it was getting harder and harder to find music that touched me, that really struck a chord, that made me feel something.  and the worst part was that i just stopped looking.  i let the heavy weight settle on me that we must be running out.  i felt doomed to continuing disappointment, or if i did find an amazing song then it was just one more song that i could no longer write.  

is there a bigger picture?  ask yourself that all the time.  the world is an expanding universe.  there’s always a bigger picture, every moment.  there’s always an energy on the cutting edge that just isn’t anywhere else.  refocus on it.  it will help you see.

i have taught myself to think of creative energy as a river.  it is always flowing by, it is always accessible to me.  if i let something go by un-captured, it’s ok, because there is always more water flowing and i can’t separate one good idea out from another.  it’s all the same energy, taking on the form of the moment.

why am i afraid to surrender to magic?  why does it so often surprise me?  it’s the essence of life, and i do so love life.  i am life.  i am love.  love is magic.  magic happens.  magic is.  i'm a little ashamed to have thought such limiting things about the universe!

ain’t nobody can write what’s mine, but i can’t write something that’s someone else’s either.  we each have our own river.  we each have our own light.

A Matter of Life and Death

i think most of us have heard many times in our lives to get our priorities straight.  when we’re young it probably has to do with grades in school and partying or figuring out what we want to do with our lives.  when we get older it probably has more to do with money and jobs and family and friends (and figuring out what we want to do with our lives!).  

the month of august shifted a few priorities for me, and as important as it is to be persistent and persevere through hard times, it’s good to recognize when some things just have to be let go of.  

some people have yet to experience the death of someone close to them.  i’ve dealt with it a lot, and as hard as it is there is nothing quite like it to inspire “getting your priorities straight.”  there is a pureness of emotion, a recognition of fragility that is both terrifying and liberating.  when someone is suddenly gone that was just there a minute ago, the things that aren’t really important just fall away and there’s a strange peace that comes with it.

this last month i watched one of my best friends die.  i wasn’t there the moment it happened but i was in the hospital almost every day, and being on tour, was often rushing straight from there to a gig, or to the studio.  mary was the coolest lady.  she was the kind of old person that would complain (grumpily) about how grumpy other old people can be.  she had a memory to challenge an elephant’s and was an amazing story teller even though she was never trying to be.  she was just recalling her life and one memory would lead to three others and i loved to listen.  she loved the doors and thought leonard cohen was the sexiest man ever (it was definitely the voice :), aside from her husband, to whom she was happily married and remained crazy about for 64 years.  they had the kind of marriage everyone dreams about having.  they had a lifetime of working together and appreciating the hell out of each other, and never lost their sense of humor, right up ‘til the end.  ("what was your name again....?" rod would often ask before kissing her hand.)

it’s been said a million times and a million ways, but when it comes down to it you just never know.  i had a realization on this trip, which shouldn’t really have been a realization at all, that every single person that has ever lived on this earth has also died.  every single one.  

“getting priorities straight” for me is asking the simple yet difficult questions, every day, that if today was the day, if this was the moment, could i die happy?  am i doing the things everyday that are true to myself and my soul and my purpose?  what things would i regret not having done?  who do i need to reach out to and tell them i love them?  

we are so afraid of death, and many of us spend our whole lives trying to avoid it.  it’s so interesting to me though, because actual death is a moment.  just a moment.  one moment you’re alive, and the next one you're not.  and regardless of your beliefs, either you’re finally out of this human mind and body and are on to the next leg of the journey, or the lights are out forever and you’re done.  either way, how can either of those things (or any other outcomes i can think of) be nearly as scary as we make them out to be?  

i am beyond certain that most of us live our whole lives without really knowing what incredible miracles we are capable of, without understanding that living in an infinitely expanding universe means that we are infinitely expanding people.  love and creativity are energies powerful beyond belief, and i believe so much that we need to trust them unconditionally.  we can't only trust when we see exactly how things are going to work out.  i believe they are the key to unlocking our full potential and genuine happiness, yet we are so eager to let everything stand in the way of them.  do we think that if it's not our fault we didn't fulfill our potential and lead joyful and creative lives, if we can blame someone else in the end (the world??), then it will make it all easier?  that it will make death easier?  

i don't need to have all my dreams come true in order to die happy.  i do need to know that i was walking in the right direction.  

what if today was the day?  what if this was the moment? 

mary mason :)